Was It Worth It?

The reality was that all our jokes, remarks, and clichés were gender-biased...

 Most of our adult life is spent in and around our workplace. Our interactions and experiences there comprise a major portion of our entire time spent on earth. And our jokes, our conversations, and our approaches at work all add up.

I remember my days as a young event manager. I loved my job and I was warmly received by my teammates. We worked hard and played harder. Our company had loads of men who were there for many years, but there was a massive turnover of women. Like many others in the company, I used to believe that “women were not made for this job.” We thought they weren’t tough enough and lacked dedication.

It’s sad how we need to act harsh at times just to prove we are “men.” For us, it was just “guy talk”—young men trying to overcome our insecurities by being excessively aggressive (not physically but socially). The reality was that all our jokes, remarks, and clichés were gender-biased.

When I look back at those days I realize how foolish and irrational it was. Honestly, whose acceptance was it that I was trying so hard for? Was it worth it? Well, the answer is a loud and clear NO.  

My job changed, my country changed, and a million discussions later I am able to analyze my behavior. Had this transformation not occurred, I don’t know if I would have ever realized the serious implications of my actions. I am now very careful about my language, my behavior, my approach, and my clichés. Today things are different—they are a lot harder.

Is this hard work worth it?

YES. My colleagues—women or men—today feel equally comfortable working with me, which in turn, fosters a more productive work environment.  And on the social side, my transformation made me a more aware and accepted individual, plus added to my confidence to interact with the opposite sex.

It’s clear to me now that the most genuine way to bring about change is to start with oneself. If you want to convince others, you need to first convince yourself.

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Back To School Lessons

Gender discrimination is a social parasite.

“An ounce of practice is worth more than tons of preaching.” - Gandhi

As a social activist, I spend most of my time speaking out and leveraging social media to influence change in the workplace and society. I am truly a social animal—but when did it all begin?
 
Let me take you back to my first day at school. The first time I walked into a classroom, I had a choice: take the middle seat in the first row all on its own? Gravitate towards a group of seats at the back around kids who seemed “cool?” Or will the teacher take this pivotal decision out of my hands and allocate a seat arbitrarily?
 
For many of us the first day of school presents us with our first real opportunity at such independent decision-making. Away from the protective realm of our families, we are presented with the opportunity to offer our identities and needs to our peers for the first time.
 
What else happened that first day of school? The green lunch box my best friend had, but my parents simply could not find in the supermarket despite my many pleas, became the object of envy. The blue and white pencil case I cradled delicately in my hands acted as the only way to get the attention of the prettiest girl in class. I tried to flaunt my burgeoning linguistic skills by inserting so-called “cool” words into the lexicon in the hope that they’d help me stand out. These are all examples of influencing and being influenced. 
 
As we grow older these experiences and choices tend to shape our dominant personality traits. We grow up following diverse trends while only a small minority ever set these trends (true leaders are rare even at such a tender age).
 
We see in actors, sports personalities, religious leaders, and maybe even certain politicians, the clothes, behavior and trends we would like to emulate. More deeply, we see in them the men and women we would like to become. On a more intimate level, we look up to that cool guy in the corner seat of the classroom or the girl with the natural talent to stand at the forefront of every social situation. Eventually they end up wearing the most stylish clothes, sipping cocktails at the coolest bars and waking up every morning to the most enviable jobs. Their decisions indirectly influence the lives we yearn for and think we want.
 
The modern norms of social behavior and the way in which we build our aspirations are not built according to our natural needs, but based on our psychological desires. Our social interactions are dictated by a variety of social feeds which keep our appetites satiated at all times. When we look into our wants and desires at least half of them are to attain social acceptability. This also translates into social behavior with the opposite sex.
 
I could never figure out the transition that men take at some point into aggressive primates when in a group amongst themselves and discussing women. Why do we decide to adopt such behaviors? Are we modeling our behavior on certain movie scenes starring Matthew McConaughey or George Clooney in the role of the dominant Alpha Male?
 
Do we really enjoy these conversations where women are center stage and often berated? Or do we participate in them in order to gain some social acceptability? When we look into most cases of gender discrimination we often see it propagated by men in order to advance their own social stations and obtain some form of deeper social acceptability. 
 
Working as a domestic violence counselor, I interact a lot with the husbands of the victims. In nine out of ten cases, I will hear someone worry about “what people will say.” The social pressure of patriarchy is so intense and magnified by the media that people go to extremes to fit into a hoax definition of how we should behave as men.
 
I’m sure a majority of readers would agree that gender discrimination is a social parasite that should not be propagated. However, when it comes to our daily lives, we often find ourselves cutting corners, waiting for another opportunity to speak up against what we hear and constantly delaying what our “better selves” would deem an inappropriate comment, view or argument. This constant delay comes at a cost that we must all bear.
 
Working as a gender activist, I am constantly bombarded by accusations that I get "carried away" with concepts of gender sensitivity, but I firmly believe that when we stick to our convictions we’ll know which fights to pick and stand up for. On the whole, I believe in being influenced and influencing others by practicing what I preach. I am a social animal and words without action just don't carry enough meaning for me.

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Speak Up Man!

The terminology around gender inequality does not matter. What does matter are our actions.

 I truly relate to the title of this blog post, in fact, this was the name of a recent tweet-a-thon I organized on behalf of the Centre for Social Research. The event focused on the questions: Why should men speak up against violence against women? And also, why don’t men speak up about it? Both questions have direct bearing on workplace inequality—a form of institutional violence. The first question is simple to answer, but the second one is something I still haven’t figured out.

Do men think violence against women is a “women’s issue” fixed within the boundaries of topics only women should be interested in? This can include things like birth control, menstrual cycles, the color pink, soap operas, curtains, gossip, etc. In my personal experience, many men are interested in the topics mentioned above, but are just shy to address them in public.

On a more serious note, do we feel the guilt of belonging to the same clan as the aggressor, the ones who triggered the issue? Or do we end up hiding out of fear of being branded a “feminist,” or “sissy?”

Sadly, some of us still find violence and aggression core values of being a “man.” I have been in many discussions where there are men who are quite OK with being violent towards their partners. They do not see what’s wrong with a slap or two “to keep her in her place.”

When I think about myself, growing up it was clear to me that violence against women is wrong but I was shy to enter any discussion about it because of the complicated terms like “gender-based violence” or “patriarchal norms” that would always pop up. So it was my lack of information about this terminology which made me hesitant. I think for a majority of men this is the main reason we do not speak up: a lack of confidence, or a fear of looking like we don’t know what we’re talking about.

Over the past few years my understanding about the topic has increased immensely and so has my clarity on the terminology used. The more I learn about “gender-based violence,” I realize that over the past 40 years the term “gender” has been almost used as a synonym for “women’s issues.” In turn, this has pushed some men away from engaging in conversations about gender.

Honestly, the terminology around gender inequality does not matter. What does matter are our actions. The first step is to voice our opinion, and this is often the hardest step. But dialogue is the first step towards creating change, learning from others, developing an informed opinion, and in turn, empowering others to speak up.

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If I Don’t Look Out For It, I Won’t See It

At times we just don’t see it, although discrimination is right in front of us.

 Discrimination is more than just visual – it’s a feeling. It is a feeling usually only felt by the one who is being discriminated against. Growing up in India, one accepts patriarchy as the way of life, as normality. Unless one experiences a different social system its very hard to see the in-built discriminatory practices.

Growing up I remember “Men” were the leaders, the decision makers, the ones with the answers (or so I thought, as they were always vocal about their achievements). When a woman did emerge amongst them, she was treated as a unique anomaly, almost against the rule of nature. This picture changed drastically in my youth at school when girls were neck to neck with the guys (and usually out performing them). Today in my professional space, I see how my female coworkers are as capable as the guys but are tested a lot more. It’s as if one is waiting for them to fail.

In India, even working women are expected to take care of all of their household responsibilities. If a woman stays late in the office she is socially scrutinized and her character is questioned. Why is she not spending enough time at home? But if a man works over-time, he is considered to be working hard, no questions asked. This is just one example—there are many more situations like this that occur on a regular basis. As a man, I don’t recognize many of them, even when they occur right in front of me!

I think it will take a lot of time and a continuous effort to be gender sensitive at our work place, plus the presence of many more women leaders and decision makers, before this scenario changes. To turn unique into universal, we need to create a work environment that trends towards gender equality.

But day to day, we concentrate so hard on our work and to be the best at what we do. At times we just don’t see it, although discrimination is right in front of us. For all those who disagree, watch this video and you will be surprised at your own awareness about what you see in front of you:



What are you missing?

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On Being A "Man"

India is a country where girls are told to be soft-spoken, shy, only to express their opinion when asked (or preferably not have an opinion)...

Being a man, and working in Delhi for gender sensitization in an office where the majority of workers are women, is a scenario not experienced by many. Interactions between men and women still follow the primitive norms of patriarchy in India. In fact, I should refer to it as the lack of interaction, and for the majority of the minimal contact we have with the opposite sex is on extremely uneven and uncomfortable grounds.
 
Now once one has grown up in the above constructed situation it is very hard to breakout of these barriers in ones professional environment. No matter how hard we try, professional space does find an overlap with the personal space and the more we enjoy our work the more personal it gets.
 
India is a country where girls are told to be soft-spoken, shy, only to express their opinion when asked (or preferably not have an opinion), to be adjusting, caring, most importantly thinking about the “MAN” first  (brother/father/husband). This conditioning does play a major role in the professional space as well. Be it a conference table discussion, or a community presentation, making a point or disagreeing with one; it’s expected from the men to take the lead (not because of their intellect, or ability but because of the societal role provided to them). I have personally found my self at center of attention many times.
 
In the beginning I used to get forced into taking the lead, although with time I have learned the art of spinning this position to the most capable person in the room rather than the “MAN.”  At first my team did revolt to this idea, as it was pretty much against the general protocol. I have faced so many shocked faces with the same argument, “But that’s NOT how it works!!!” although to date no one has been able to answer, “Why does it not work that way?”
 
Some times it’s a hard job being a “Man” at work. 

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The View From India

Society as a whole is at such a big loss because half of it is confined by primitive social boundaries and never allowed to perform. And not because of lack of ability or motivation... 


Why should men care about gender equality both within and outside of the work context?

As I read the question above, I think about my life and role women play in it. My grandmother, my mother, my sister, my friends, my girlfriend - all the way from birth till today the amazing influences they have had on my life, on me. I care about gender equality because I care about them.

Coming from India, a country which has a strong patriarchal social structure, I see it in my day to day life how we play slaves to these norms. Society as a whole is at such a big loss because half of it is confined by primitive social boundaries and never allowed to perform. And not because of lack of ability or motivation. In fact, no one can point out any logical explanation, the reason that seems to be prominent is: "It’s like that because it has been that way!"

Thankfully, that argument does not suffice. Gender equality is not a WOMEN’s ISSUE, it’s a social issue of a society comprising of women and men. No one lives peacefully in an environment which has discrimination. Gender equality is one of the necessities of a progressive society and I think it can only be achieved by equal, active and honest participation of men and women.  

“We must become the change we want to see in the world”   -  Mahatma Gandhi

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Men advocating for real Change

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Amitabh Kumar, Head of Media and Communication, Centre for Social Research

Amitabh Kumar is Head of Media and Communication at the New Delhi, India-based Centre for Social Research. The Centre’s core mission is to restructure gender relations toward a humane, equitable and gender-just society. CSR focuses attention toward empowering women, protecting and ensuring women’s rights and understanding social issues from a gender perspective, and recognizes that restructuring gender relations requires the participation and support of all sectors of society: women and men, young and old, grassroots to national levels, private and public institutions alike. In addition to spearheading CSR’s communications strategy and execution, he is one of CSR’s gender trainers working with Indian companies and government agencies to ensure gender equality.